How to Become a Better Listener Through Empathy

Think about the last time a teammate came to you carrying something heavy: a missed deadline, a rough review, news from home. How you listened in that moment mattered as much as anything you said back. That’s empathetic listening, and whether you’re a leader, a manager, or a direct report, it’s one of the most valuable listening skills at work you can build. Over the last several years, empathetic communication has gotten a lot of attention, and we’re here for it. Being a strong communicator matters, especially as you step into leadership, and so does projecting real warmth and compassion. That’s why learning and development (L&D) leaders have identified empathetic communication as a top three most important soft skill when it comes to daily workplace performance.

It’s refreshing to see empathy get the attention it deserves in the workplace. But much of the push for empathetic communication focuses on one side of the communication equation: speaking.

What about empathetic listening? Isn’t it also important to consider the emotions of the people speaking to you? Before delving into what empathetic listening is and how to listen with empathy, let’s take a step back (for the emotional skeptics out there) and talk about why paying attention to others’ emotions matters at work.

Why emotions matter in the workplace

Everyone brings emotions to work, whether it’s about the work itself, what’s going on at home, or what’s happening in the world. Those feelings rarely stop people from getting the job done, but ignoring them costs you the trust that carries a team through a reorg, a missed quarter, or a project that’s slipping. That’s where empathetic listening earns its place, for your relationships and for the business.

What is empathetic listening?

Empathetic listening is listening for both what someone says and how they feel about it, so they walk away feeling genuinely heard.

What’s the difference between empathetic listening and active listening?

Active listening focuses on understanding what someone says, while empathetic listening adds a second layer: understanding how they feel about it.

Like active listening, empathetic listening is a term that gets thrown around a lot. In many cases, the two are used interchangeably. That makes sense given that Carl R. Rogers, one of the founders of active listening, is said to have developed empathetic listening (also referred to as empathic listening), too.

The two models have a lot in common. Both active and empathetic listening ask listeners to give the other person their full attention in order to understand what’s being said. But empathetic listening takes active listening one step further. It asks the listener to focus on understanding both the content of what’s being said and the other person’s emotions.

While understanding both message and emotion is a great starting point, it’s still not enough. Imagine your CEO walks the company through a new strategy at the all-teams meeting, and you walk away thinking, great, I understood what she said and how she feels about it. But what she really needed was for your team to come back with ideas for making that strategy real. If you don’t listen to move things forward, the strategy stalls with you.

Or imagine a direct report pulls you aside after a reorg because their new scope overlaps with another team’s and nobody’s sure who owns what. You need to listen to understand the problem and how they feel about it, sure. But don’t you also need to listen to evaluate the problem? Might you also need to listen to help them map out a few ways to fix it?

There are situations at work when listening to understand is not enough. How do we know? Maegan Stephens and I spent three years researching existing listening models in the workplace…and then we developed a better one: Adaptive Listening™. What began as a workshop became the Adaptive Listening™ book.

The Adaptive Listening™ difference: beyond understanding at work

Listening to simply understand isn’t always enough at work, even if you focus on understanding both the message and the emotions of the person speaking, as empathetic listening requires. In addition to understanding, listening is also sometimes about uncovering next steps and taking action. It’s sometimes about evaluating or judging the information so you can weigh the pros and cons. Sometimes it’s about giving space for the other person to vent their frustrations. And sometimes it’s about remembering all the details. Adaptive Listening™ goes beyond understanding and, by doing so, brings empathy to workplace interactions in two major ways:

1. It focuses your attention on what the speaker needs in that moment
2. It helps you understand listening differences across your organization

How do you listen with empathy at work?

When we walk into a room as listeners, we often wonder, “What am I going to get out of this?” Why am I at this meeting, brainstorm, workshop, or keynote? What’s the value of the content being shared? And how will this impact me and my role?

We rarely (if ever) think about how the person speaking might want to feel or what they might want from us as listeners. That speaker likely worked hard to deliver content that resonates with you. As listeners, we can offer the same empathy and compassion to the speaker. Because empathetic listening is focused on understanding the emotions of others, it’s a good start on the path to empathy. But it doesn’t account for the nuances of a hectic, fast-paced workday, nor does it offer memorable, actionable models that listeners can use to incorporate empathy into their listening.

Adaptive Listening™ offers both. It was purpose-built for the workplace, and the methodology offers specific guidelines on how to listen with empathy across a variety of workplace interactions. Here’s the thing:
There is no one right way to be an empathetic listener.

Adaptive Listening™ acknowledges this fact and encourages listeners to ask themselves this critical question:

“What does the speaker need from me in this moment?” The answer will vary depending on who you’re speaking to and the context of the situation. But ultimately, you’ll determine that the speaker needs you to:

• Listen to Support™
• Listen to Advance™
• Listen to Immerse™
• Listen to Discern™

We call these the S.A.I.D. Listening Goals™. Listening with empathy comes down to reading what the speaker needs from you in the moment, even what they don’t say out loud, then responding to give it, whether that’s support, momentum, information, or a careful read. It takes both a business read and an emotional one, and when you get that right, that’s about as empathetic as listening gets. For the full S.A.I.D. model of listening styles and goals, see our effective listening skills guide.

Adaptive Listening™: understand listening differences to become a better listener

Being an empathetic listener to the person speaking is an obvious benefit of Adaptive Listening™. But here’s one more benefit that’s equally important. Adaptive Listening™ helps you become more empathetic to other listeners.

Some people think of listening in a very polarized way, like an on and off switch. People either listen well or listen poorly. They’re either listening or they’re not listening. While it’s true that someone might not be listening at all, Adaptive Listening™ recognizes that the more likely culprit is listening differences.

The truth is, we don’t all listen the same way. We all have a S.A.I.D. Listening Style™, the way we prefer to process and respond to information. The S.A.I.D. Listening Styles are easy to remember because they mirror the S.A.I.D. Listening Goals. By default, you’re one of these, or a combination of two or more:

• Support Listener™
• Advance Listener™
• Immerse Listener™
• Discern Listener™

Each has benefits and cautions and no one style is better than another. In fact, we need all S.A.I.D. Listening Styles in our organizations. But those differences can cause tension. Our S.A.I.D. Listening Style Finder™ takes 10 to 15 minutes and shows you the style you use most often. Start there, and the differences in how others listen get a lot easier to read.

When someone doesn’t listen in the same way you listen, it’s easy to interpret that as “not listening.” For example, if someone looks out the window while listening, you might think, “They’re distracted and not listening to me at all!” Or if someone simply nods their head while listening but doesn’t acknowledge your feelings with a verbal response, you might think or even say, “Did you hear me?!”

Knowing the characteristics of others’ S.A.I.D. Listening Styles increases empathy and compassion for other listeners:

• The colleague who looks out the window while listening might actually be thinking deeply about what they’re hearing
• The person nodding their head without responding might be considering how to help the speaker move forward
• The coworker making an inquisitive face might not be judgmental, but rather, they’re evaluating the information in order to make a smart decision

When you assume good intentions and recognize listening differences, empathy and compassion result.

Learning to adapt the way you listen is a lifelong practice. But building more empathetic connections at work requires more than active listening and empathetic listening. It goes beyond understanding their thoughts and emotions, or just improving your listening skills. To be a truly empathetic listener, you need to meet the needs of the person speaking to you, and you must build a tolerance for listening differences. Adaptive Listening™ can help you and your team do both.

Bring empathetic listening to your whole team

When everyone on a team knows how the people around them listen, fewer conversations end with someone feeling unheard. Our Active Listening Training builds Adaptive Listening™ into how your team works day to day. Talk with a Duarte specialist and we’ll help you find the right fit.